Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
