so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
My life is pants optional.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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