I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize