I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
