I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
