i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
