hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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