I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
