last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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