I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
