we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
