So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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