Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
