he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
