Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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