Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
