i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
