well I can't set my house on fire every night
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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