Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
