she was so not down for the gang bang
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I woke up under a house in Key West
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