I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
