I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Randomize
