dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
