I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
