Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
