I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
