Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
