my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
