the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
