you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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