i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
