RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Randomize
