You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
