Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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