I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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