either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Randomize
