Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
