I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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