On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I accidentally burped into my bong.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
