Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
