She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
