Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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