My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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