This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
