did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
