have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
