Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I have fence marks all over my body
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
