I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize