i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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