just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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