I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
