So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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