Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
