Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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