Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
