Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
