I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
