Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I just cut my nipple shaving
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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