I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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