just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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